An interesting dump page
i’m writing this while still half-sane this is a page dedicated solely to the random stuff i think about at 3 am. if you’ve stayed up until 3 am before, you’ll know that it’s prime wiki hour, but also prime “go-insane-and-rant-about-the-strangest-things” hour. read on at your own risk. BIRDS WE SHOULD ALL BOW DOWN TO OUR RIGHTFUL OVERLORDS, THE BIRDS. DITCH THOSE RELIGIONS YOU BELIEVE IN — IT’S BIRD TIME NOW. THINK ABOUT IT. HAVE YOU EVER SEEN A PREGNANT BIRD? NO? -SLAMS HAND DOWN ON TABLE- THAT’S BECAUSE THEY DON’T EXIST. WHAT WOULD THEY EVEN LOOK LIKE? A BIRD WITH A SLIGHTLY LARGER STOMACH? HOW DO BIRDS EVEN FIT AN EGG IN THERE IN THE FIRST PLACE? TAKE THE KIWIS. NOT THE FRUIT. GIVE ME MY KIWIS BACK. WHY? I DON’T KNOW. I HATE KIWIS. AND I WANT MY PEOPLE FROM NEW ZEALAND BACK TOO. I’M TALKING ABOUT THE BIRDS. ACCORDING TO THE VERY RELIABLE SOURCE OF WIKIPEDIA, A KIWI BIRD’S EGG CAN BE UP TO 20% OF THE BIRD’S BODY WEIGHT OR SOMETHING. IT DOESN’T MATTER. IMAGINE IF A HUMAN HAD TO CARRY A BABY A FIFTH THEIR SIZE FOR NINE MONTHS. THE AVERAGE WEIGHT OF AN AMERICAN WOMAN OVER THE AGE OF TWENTY IS 170 POUNDS. BASED ON THE RATIOS FOR THOSE FEATHERY BEASTS, AN AVERAGE BABY WOULD BE LIKE 34 POUNDS AT BIRTH. NO THANK YOU. BIRDS CAN LITERALLY SURVIVE ANYTHING. DON’T FIGHT ME ON THIS. BIRDS ARE ALSO ANCESTORS OF FRICKIN’ DINOSAURS. REMEMBER DINOSAURS? THOSE PESKY LITTLE THINGS THAT STOMPED AROUND AND MADE LIFE RATHER UNPLEASANT FOR EVERYONE? WELL, BIRDS CAME FROM THOSE MONSTERS. AND WE KNOW THEY’RE MONSTERS. SO WHY DO WE TRUST BIRDS SO MUCH? WE LET THEM FLY THROUGH THE SKY WITH RECKLESS ABANDON. WE LET THEM CROWD THE STREETS OF MAJOR CITIES. WE LET THEM INTO OUR HOMES AND CALL THEM “PETS”. WE WOULD NEVER LET A DINOSAUR DO THAT. SO WHAT HAVE BIRDS DONE INSTEAD? THEY’VE SHRUNK AND COVERED THEMSELVES IN FEATHERS. YOU KNOW WHAT THAT SOUNDS LIKE TO ME? A DISGUISE. THEY LITERALLY EVOLVED TO FOOL ALL LIVING HUMANS THAT THEY WERE INNOCENT AND HARMLESS. BUT THEY’RE NOT. LET ME TELL YOU WHY BIRDS ARE EVIL. DO YOU KNOW ABOUT MAGPIES? IF YOU LIVE IN AUSTRALIA, YOU PROBABLY DO. MAGPIES ARE BIRDS THAT, COME SPRINGTIME, WILL LITERALLY FLY FROM THE HELLSCAPE THEY WERE SPAWNED IN AND ATTACK THE HUMANS LIVING IN AUSTRALIA. IT’S SO BAD THAT COMPANIES HAVE ACTUALLY MADE CLOTHING THAT IS REFLECTIVE, TO TRY AND MOMENTARILY BLIND THE CREATURES SO THAT THE HUMAN CAN FLEE. DO THEY REALLY WORK? I DON’T KNOW. I DON’T LIVE IN AUSTRALIA. ONE THING I DON’T GET, THOUGH, IS WHY THEY EAT WORMS. YES, THEY EAT BERRIES AND SEEDS AND SOMETIMES THE ROTTING CARCASSES OF OTHER ANIMALS. I SEE YOU, VULTURES AND CONDORS AND WHATEVER OTHER BIRDS DO THAT. BUT HUMANS ALSO EAT BERRIES AND SEEDS AND THE MEAT OF OTHER ANIMALS, AND THEY’RE OBVIOUSLY NOT THAT MUCH SMARTER THAN BIRDS. SO, WHAT’S THE ONLY DIFFERENCE IN THEIR DIET? WORMS. BUT WHY? WORMS LITERALLY HAVE NO BRAIN. I THINK. SURE, THEY’RE SUPER IMPORTANT TO THE EARTH’S WELLBEING BY PASSING DIRT THROUGH THEIR SYSTEM TO MAKE COMPOST, BUT HOW CAN BIRDS BE SO SMART FROM EATING THEM? I’M PRETTY SURE THEY TASTE LIKE DIRT ANYWAY, FROM ALL THAT DIRT THEY CONSUME ON A DAILY BASIS. AND THIS BRINGS ME TO THE SAYING “THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORM”. WHAT DOES IT MEAN? DO WORMS HAVE AN INTERNAL CLOCK NOW THAT TELLS THEM WHEN IT IS “EARLY”? DON’T THEY SPEND MOST OF THEIR TIME UNDERGROUND, ANYWAY? WHY WOULD THEY NEED TO GO ABOVEGROUND WHERE THEY RISK GETTING EATEN? THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORM, BUT THE SECOND MOUSE GETS THE CHEESE... AND THE INJURED/DEAD BODY OF THEIR COMRAD STARING AT THEM AS THEY DEVOUR THEIR DISGUSTING, BLOOD-COVERED, CHEESY, LACTOSE-FILLED TREAT. BUT IT’S EVERY MOUSE FOR THEMSELVES NOW, IN THIS WORLD OVERRUN BY BIRDS. I’M TELLING YOU, KIDS, DON’T EVER LET YOUR PARENTS GET YOU A PET BIRD. IT DOESN’T MATTER THAT THEY’RE “SO PRETTY” AND “BIRDSEED IS SO MUCH CHEAPER”. YOU’LL LITERALLY BE INVITING THE DEVIL INTO YOUR HOME, WHERE THEY CAN SPY ON THE HABITS OF NORMAL HUMANS AND SEND THE PRECIOUS INFORMATION BACK TO THE GOVERNMENT. YES, YOU HEARD THAT RIGHT. I SAID THE GOVERNMENT. BIRDS ARE SECRETLY WORKING AS GOVERNMENT SPIES IN EXCHANGE FOR BIRDSEED. BUT WHEN GOVERNMENT SPIES ARE CONCERNED, THERE WILL ALSO BE REBELS. THOSE REBELS ARE NONE OTHER THAN THE MIGHTY PENGUINS. YES. THE PENGUINS. THINK ABOUT IT. PENGUINS DWELL IN THE SOUTH POLE, FAR AWAY FROM HUMAN CONTACT. THIS IS BECAUSE THEY HAVE LEARNED TO STAY HIDDEN FROM US IN ORDER TO COMPLETE THEIR MISSION, WHICH IS TO OVERTHROW THE BIRD GOVERNMENT. THE PENGUINS YOU CAN FIND IN ZOOS ARE ACTUALLY THE POOR SOULS WHO WERE CAPTURED ON DUTY AND THEREBY FORCED TO REMAIN IN CAPTIVITY FOR THE REST OF THEIR LIVES WHILE THOUSANDS UPON THOUSANDS OF SMALL BRAINWASHED CHILDREN GAWK AT THEM. WHY ARE PENGUINS SO DETERMINED TO DESTROY THE CORRUPTED BIRD GOVERNMENT? IT’S BECAUSE THEY CAN’T FLY. ALMOST EVERY SPECIES OF BIRD CAN FLY. IF YOU DIDN’T KNOW THIS PRIOR TO ME TELLING YOU, FEEL FREE TO ASK THE NEAREST PERSON TO PUNCH YOU IN THE FACE. GO ON, DO IT. I’LL WAIT. ... OKAY, LET’S KEEP GOING. PENGUINS GOT THE SHORT END OF THE STICK. YES, THERE ARE OTHER SPECIES OF BIRDS THAT CAN’T FLY, BUT THEY HAVE OTHER COOL FEATURES. THE CASSOWARY CAN LITERALLY KICK YOUR TORSO OFF YOUR LEGS AND TOSS YOUR LIMBS INTO THE AIR ONE BY ONE. THE OSTRICH CAN RUN REALLY FLIPPIN’ FAST AND CAN ALSO RIP YOUR HEAD OFF YOUR BODY WITH A SINGLE KICK. THE EMU CAN DO A COOL SPINNY THING WHILE IT’S RUNNING AND THROW OFF PREDATORS CHASING IT. THE KIWI HAS A REALLY SICK NAME. WHAT CAN THE PENGUIN DO? CAN A PENGUIN BRUTALLY MURDER YOU? I DON’T THINK SO. CAN IT RUN FAST? HAHAHAHAHAHAHA NO. DOES IT HAVE A COOL NAME? NOPE. OBVIOUSLY PENGUINS WILL WANT REVENGE ON THOSE WHO CURSED THEM WITH BORINGNESS. AND WHO WERE THE EVIL WITCHES AND WARLOCKS? WHO WERE THE ONES STIRRING THEIR CAULDRONS AND SQUAWKING? NONE OTHER THAN THE BIRD GOVERNMENT! BUT EVEN AFTER ALL THESE YEARS OF TRAINING AND PREPARING AND HIDING, THE CORRUPTED BIRD GOVERNMENT HAS STILL NOT BEEN TOPPLED BY THE FORMIDABLE FORCE OF THE PENGUIN ARMY. THE GOVERNMENT BIRD SPIES ARE DANGEROUS CREATURES AND WILL NOT HESITATE TO PULVERIZE. AND NOW SOME SPECIES OF PENGUINS ARE ENDANGERED, WHICH IS ONLY MORE PROOF THAT THE BIRD GOVERNMENT IS WINNING AND THE PENGUINS ARE LOSING. DO YOU SEE PIGEONS OR ROBINS OR BLUEJAYS OR CARDINALS OR BLACKBIRDS BECOMING ENDANGERED? NOPE. GLOBAL WARMING. EVERYONE KNOWS IT’S A THING. A BIG PROBLEM FOR PEOPLE. BUT BIRDS, LIKE, AREN’T EVEN AFFECTED. THEY CAN JUST MIGRATE OR WHATEVER. WHAT ABOUT PENGUINS? OHH BOY, THEY’RE IN TROUBLE. THEY CAN’T FLY AWAY FROM THEIR FROZEN HEADQUARTERS. AS THE SNOW CAPS MELT AWAY, PENGUINS WILL BE LEFT WITH LESS AND LESS LAND TO OPERATE ON. AND WHAT’S THE POINT OF LIVING WHEN YOU HAVE NO PURPOSE? WHEN EVERYTHING YOU BELIEVED IN, THE VERY GROUND YOU RESTED UPON FOR YEARS AND YEARS, IS TORN AWAY FROM YOU? THAT’S RIGHT. THERE’S NO POINT. PENGUINS WILL SLOWLY BUT SURELY DIE OUT, AND THE BIRD GOVERNMENT WILL FINALLY HAVE NO OPPOSITION. THAT’S WHY NOTHING IS BEING DONE ABOUT GLOBAL WARMING. THE GOVERNMENT PRETENDS TO CARE, BUT THEY REALLY JUST WANT THE PENGUIN REBEL ARMY GONE. AND I’M NOT THE ONLY ONE WHO KNOWS THIS. ”NEVER TRUST A BIRD. BIRDS ARE CLEARLY GOVERNMENT SPIES, AND WILL EVIDENTLY STOP AT NOTHING TO ACHIEVE THEIR GOALS.” - ALBERT EINSTEIN. ALBERT KNEW THE SECRETS OF THE BIRD GOVERNMENT, AND TRIED TO STOP THEM, BUT WHAT HAPPENED INSTEAD? HE DIED. THAT’S WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU DARE TO OPPOSE THE BIRDS — YOU DIE. YET ANOTHER EXAMPLE OF THEIR NEVER-ENDING CRUELTY. THANK YOU AND GOOD NIGHT. Category:Dumps Category:Spam Category:Fun Pages